I am a weapon nothing more
by kittyloverluna
Summary: River has a knife, River is confused, everyone is scared. Can Mal talk her down? A River/Mal moment.


This is a River/Mal moment.

Its a one chapter story nothing more. I may do later one story moments. This is just a snippet so no time line here.

I do not own the rights to Firefly. This was done just for fun and nothing more. The rights are owned by Joss Whedon. Hope everyone likes this. This whole story is from Rivers point of view.

RIVER'S POINT OF VIEW:

I am a weapon nothing more. I am not an actual person. I was created to do their bidding, fight their wars. I know everything, feel nothing. I can see into the tiniest of minds and learn their deepest, darkest secrets, this is what they told me. I am a weapon.

I am staring at the blade in my hand, watching as it slices my into my hand. I watch the crimson color of red fall free from my hand. Yet I do not feel the pain, do not feel as the cold metal slices its self into my flesh. I am a weapon.

I want to understand, want to know, yet I can't. The weapon they created prohibits such foolish things. It keeps me from feeling, from being like everyone else. After all I am nothing more than a weapon.

I take the blade and grasp it between both my hands now and squeeze down upon it. I watch as it rips into my flesh deeper than before watch as the red crimson of blood flows more than before. Yet I still feel nothing, no pain I feel nothing. I am a weapon.

They are here now, I can feel them. I can hear their words read their thoughts. They are scared and they should be for I am a weapon. They call out my name, cry out for me to stop, and all I can do is laugh at them. For I am nothing more than weapon.

He is here, I feel him yet I can not read his thoughts. How can he keep them from me? How can he a simple man shield his thought from me, the weapon. I am their greatest pupil their shining star. Yet he can shield his thoughts from me. He has called out my name, yet all I do is laugh. He orders the others back and I laugh louder.

I am a weapon, does he think that will work. I can kill them all in a matter of moments, them stepping back will not stop me. Nothing can stop me, for I am a weapon. He is climbing the create towards me, talking to me. I hear his words, words of kindness, words soft spoken. Yet they do not matter for I am a weapon. He is near, now he is sitting behind me. Is he a fool? Does he not know I have a blade in my hands? Does he not know this weapon will kill him if she so desires. Does he not know how fast I can turn on him. I smile at the thought, how quick I could turn and kill him.

My back is to him, does he think he can reach around and take the blade from me? I am ready for that, ready for him. I clinch the blade tighter, breathing faster. My mind races with the words kill them all. Their cries grow louder, desperate pleas that fall on this weapons deaf ears. They cry out to him and he shouts back at them telling them all to be quiet. He calls to me once more.

"River." His voice is so calm. "River darling giving me the knife." His words are steady and ever so calm. His thoughts still blank. How can that be? His breathing is ever so slow and he is so calm. How can he be so calm knowing he could die at any moment. I start to shake clinching the blade tighter in my hand. The weapon in me ready to strike at any moment.

He has as no idea what I can really do. None of them do. "River." He softly calls once more. His words have meaning, but I can not hear them. They have feeling in them, yet I do not feel them. He is lucky, he feels, he lives, he is not a weapon. He is actual and hole. He can love and be loved. He is not a weapon. I will never feel, never love, never be loved. "River, please let me help you." I slowly turn my head and look at him. "That's it darling look at me." He says smiling at me. "Come on darling snap out of it."

"Fool." I hiss. "I am a weapon deadly and true, yet you come this close to me." I snap at him. I start to laugh. "Do you know what I can do to you?" I hiss.

"You're not a weapon River. You're a person actual and whole." I laugh and turn on him in a fraction of a second. My blade flies to his neck and my free hand now holds the back of his head.

"How about now?" I ask him. He stays still and locks his eyes with mine. "You're a person actual and whole, you're not their play toy, you're River Tam. Everyone is so scared of this. I have him in my grasp and he is now mine. "River." He says my name once more and there is no fear in his voice or in him at all."

As if saying my name changes a thing. I am still a weapon, still theirs, still no ones. I can hear the others, hear their please. I can kill the captain and take over the ship. No one would stop me, not for long. I can hear the others plea with Simon to speak the words. Yet he is ordered not to. Does the captain still think he can stop me. Still think whispering my name will make me change. Their cries grow more despite more concerned. Yet he never changes his ever so calm voice. A hand goes up stopping them. "I will handle this." He tells them. "Albatross, listen to me your not theirs and your no weapon." Albatross he loved calling me that. It had meaning to him. Their was a feeling behind those words every time he spoke them to me.

"Yes I am, I do not feel, I can feel nothing." I say slightly pushing the blade farther in. I watch a line appear on his neck and the crimson red slowly drips down. "I feel nothing." I watch the blood drip down from him. On slight press the right way and he would die in a matter of moments. Nothing Simon could do would change that.

"Yes you do, you just don't understand what it is you're a feeling."

"No. Your wrong I am nothing more than their toy." I shout at him, and at the others as well. "I am their dog. Show me, show me off like a dog they did. Wolf, wolf. Good dog River, be a good dog and kill. Show me off they did, all the old men. Blood spilled all over yet they never spilled it. I am to spill it for them, good dog River, kill River kill." I shout to them. "Their experiment I am just that an experiment made to kill. Do their bidding and do it well. Nothing more, made to kill not to understand, love or be loved. experiment to them, lab rat to Simon. Make River sleep Simon, good night River. Take this, take that, go to sleep. It makes you better, makes you that way I want you to be." I turn the blade from him to me. I place it to my throat. "Spill my blood for them I will, than maybe I will feel." He reaches out a hand towards me, but he does not go for the blade. He touches my face and looks me in my eyes.

"Your no dog River, nor a lab rat. Your River, and you can feel. You can feel everything you just need to be shown how." His hand moves slowly on my face. His thumb gently rubbing my cheek. "River." He calls out my name. "Ya feel this, I know ya do. Tell me darling what ya feel." He said never taking his eyes from mine.

His hand was on my face, his second-hand on my right leg; ever so slowly sliding up my leg. His eyes held no sadness nor anger. They held something I did not know nor understand. I closed my eyes and felt the burning sensation of the water as it filled my eyes. I opened them to let the water out.

"That's a feeling." He tells me. "Tears are a feeling River." The hand on my face slowly stops and his second hand comes up touching my face. "Feel River, remember who ya are; not who they made ya to be."

"I... I..." I did not know what to say. I did not understand. He knew this though, knew I was confused.

"My hands River what do they feel like." He asked.

"Soft." Was all I could say. "Soft is not a feeling, it is an adjective used to describe a something."

"How do they make ya feel, how does it feel when I touch ya?" I could not answer him. I wanted to, but I could not. "Do ya like it?" He asked. I did like it, I like his hands there.

"Yes." My voice was so low I am not even sure he had heard.

"liking, it is a feeling." He whispered to me. "What do ya like about it?"

"Its... Its... Its soft and gentle." I closed my eyes trying to focus on that, those words I just used. "Soft and gentle are adjectives not feelings."

" If feels soft and gentle on your face River that is a feeling darling. Do you want to know what else is soft and gentle?" he whispered to me.

"Yes." I said not even recognizing the sound of my voice.

Suddenly his lips were on mine, ever so soft ever so gentle. His hands held my face gently as his thumbs caressed the out line of my jaw. Then with out warning his thoughts were their. I could read them, his mind was open to me like a book. His tong traced across my lips 'open them' his thoughts said. 'kiss me back.' Were his thoughts as his tong slid into my mouth.

I did, I kissed him back. Felt the sensation of his tong and mine dancing around each other. My body shivered and suddenly I could feel. I did not understand it, this feeling was new feeling but I liked it. His feelings flooded me, ran through me like a wild-fire in a field. I dropped my blade and heard it hit the crate next to us. One of his hands reached down and took the blade, he tossed it to the floor. My arms wrapped around him. I needed him closer, needed to be part of him, live in him. I pulled him towards me and he willing came. He wanted to be just as close to me, just as near. Why was this? What was this rush that came over me? His mind was so open I could see so many things. He wanted me to know, to understand.

His thoughts changed he wanted me even closer he pulled me into his lap and all the while he never broke the kiss. My whole body tingled with a sensation that was new to me. My hands closed around his body trapping him to me. I felt a hot sensation run though them. It hurt to close my hands, why did it hurt to close them. I whimpered and slowly he pulled away. He gently took my hands in his and looked them over.

"It hurts." I say.

"Yep, bet it does." He said. "Want me to take care of that?"

"I hate that place. No. Don't want to go to sleep, see them hear their words. They tell me to kill, to hurt." I said as my mind formed the images of the infirmary and the dreams of men and needles and hands of blue.

"Not their, someplace nice and quiet away from all eyes where you and I are alone." I gave him a nod knowing he would never do anything to me I would not want done. He gave me a nod and called out. "Zoe. Get me what I need to stitch her up and clean her up." Zoe answered him followed by Simon's protest. Mal answered him in a tone that told my brother to not even say another word. "I can stitch her up quite well doc with out your help. Done stitched up many of a man in my day. No need to fret and don't think she needs to be talking to the likes of you just yet."

Before I knew it I was up in his arms and he was gliding down from the create. He walked past the others, their thoughts all confused by these events. He said nothing to any of them. He walked to his room and without even a second thought slid down the ladder with me still in his arms. He placed me on his bed closed and locked the hatch to his room.

He walked over to me sat next to me opening the bag Zoe left. He took out what he needed and sat it down on the bed. He then walked over to the sink, wet a towel then stated cleaning my hands. The water stung on my hands as he cleaned my wounds. Tears left my eyes as I realized all that had happened. I had finally snapped out of me delusion.

"No tears Tross, no tears. I am here and I am going make it better."

"I could have killed you." I said not wanting to look at him in the eyes.

"No River." He said. "You could not kill me in the Maidenhead, you would not have done so tonight." I just looked at him, and then in his eyes. "I understand River, I always have." I gave him a nod.

"They were their in my dreams and told me I was nothing more then their weapon, their toy. Told me to kill told me to kill." I said my words were shaky and not all that clear.

"You're not a weapon River. You're not theirs either."

"I am no ones." I said sadly.

"Not true, you're someones"

"Who's?" He smiled at me.

"Mine." He said smiling once more. "I'll get ya though this, i'll take of ya."

"I am broken, not worth fixing."

"Not true." He cleaned my hands and stitched them up. He wrapped me up in a blanket and then just held me close to him. He just held me there in his arms. "I'll find a way to fix ya. Matter of fact like think I might just know a way." He looked at me and had a strange look in his eyes I had never seen.

I looked at him and wanted to ask what he was talking about, but could not do so. Before I could ask him why he had laid me down on the bed and slid himself next to me. His arms wrapped around me and pulled me close to him. I did not understand this. My body stiffens and goes rigid. "relax darling. Nothings going happen, not just yet."

"Confused..." I went to say more, but he hushed me.

"Do you like this?" He asked

"Feel safe." Was all I could say. I did suddenly feel very safe. More safe than I had in a long time. At this very moment I knew he would kill anyone who tried to come in between us. My body relaxed and I closed my eyes. "Feel very safe."

"You're very safe River. Won't let them get to ya." He said laying his head closer to mine. "Ya wanna know what the way is Tross?" He asked me his voice so soft I wanted to drown in it.

"Yes."

"Love. Love is the most powerful magic in the verse. Nothing can stop it. I'm going love ya and that's all ya going need." He kissed the top of my head and soon I was sound asleep in the safety of his loving arms.


End file.
